If thereâ€™s any time I need Godâ€™s grace, itâ€™s when I am mustering up faith in Him to become fearless.
When I donâ€™t know how things will work out.
Donâ€™t have control over the situation.
Just canâ€™t make things go the way I want them to.
When I just. Donâ€™t. Know.
Today was one of those days.
I was at the hospital for a routine checkup with Hudson.
Our oncologist was saying how the disease he once had, Neuroblastoma, usually ends up okay for kids like him.
One who has favorable genetics, but he wanted to let me know that there could still be some cancer left over in my child.
What do you mean, left over cancer? You said it was out.
Long story short, he was speaking of calcified and dead cancer and also in generalities.
He ended the conversation by saying Hudson is okay and will most likely have a totally normal life expectancy.
I should be fine, right?
But the devil totally saw his opportunity to mess with my head.
Get out, Satan. Not today. Not ever!
My God is greater. My God is stronger. My God is higher than you and your lies.
I know the Truth.
I know God is the ultimate healer, and my son is clean from this disease.
I know that even if something does happen, that the Lord will see us through just like He did three years ago.
But most of all, I know that I donâ€™t have to fear anything because I am not a slave to your fear, Satan.
Who I Am
I am a child of God.
I donâ€™t have to wallow in the piercing fear that immediately gripped me when Dr. Dole began talking about Neuroblastoma.
I donâ€™t have to let myself get caught up in the past trauma of how it feels to be a mother of a very sick child.
I donâ€™t have to camp out there, because my identity is not traumatized mother.
My identity is daughter of God– Heavenly Creator and Healer.
He > I
He has done a perfect job of being Him. Walking me through all the pain, all the joys, triumphs, and all the fears.
Godâ€™s grace goes far beyond what I could ever be capable of doing myself.
If it werenâ€™t for grace, He wouldâ€™ve been angry that I could second-guess what I know in my heart to be true, and He wouldâ€™ve washed His hands of me completely.
But thatâ€™s just not our God.
He loves so abundantly and so grand– bigger than we can comprehend.
So, instead of kicking me to the curb, He drew me nearer to Him.
I felt myself being drawn up into His arms and comforted.
I know what is true: I can trust You, Lord.
Thank You Lord, for being a merciful Father.
Who sees my fears and disbelief and triggers of past pain and uses it to pray, connect, and delve deeper in my relationship with You.
Thank You for being a God whose number one mission is to care for His children.
Sitting here in my motherhood fears, You love me so tenderly that I am able to feel calm and peace in my heart.
To be overwhelmed with Your love through grace, to rest in the fact that You are good.
You are God.
You are Truth.
When I Fail
Is it always my first fleshly reaction to trust?
I wish I could say that every single time I’m met with adversity I was fearless, but fear does get a hold of me–especially when it comes to my children.
However I never have to live in that fear because I have my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Because of this, I can enjoy my motherhood. I can enjoy my family. I can enjoy this precious gift of life the Lord has given me. I can be fearless.
Best of all, I can share His grace with you with the hope that you, too can open your heart to it as well.
Never would I ever want to hold all this to myself. Itâ€™s too big not to share.
Itâ€™s too amazing.
Itâ€™s the only thing in this world worth calling perfect: Godâ€™s love.
If youâ€™ve never been a parent, thereâ€™s no way I can possibly explain that kind of love. That kind of inexplicable grace.
I can use words. I can try, but Iâ€™ll never achieve the exact feeling. Itâ€™s just too grand.
Iâ€™d like to compare it to the love of a spouse because when you fall in love itâ€™s intense. However, this too will never compare to the love of a child because itâ€™s so different.
I could compare it to the love of a sibling. Especially if youâ€™re an older sibling, who feels itâ€™s your responsibility to care for the younger child, yet that child was not created for you. It cannot be the same.
Fellow parents, why canâ€™t we accurately tell this feeling?
I try so hard to explain everything else as a writer, and yet this one single thing I just canâ€™t pinpoint.
Scratch that. Two feelings I canâ€™t pinpoint.
The love for my boys is something I never expected, It was overwhelming. It crushed me in a sense. I didnâ€™t see it coming.
And yet, the feeling of God loving me is far greater than anything I’ve ever felt in my life.
There are no words.
To have a relationship. Receive the inheritance as His child.
How could this be?
Because Godâ€™s love is inexplicably huge.
His grace and mercy reaches even the most lost of wanderers.
No Matter What
It doesn’t matter how far you go, no matter how loudly you shout to the world that He is nothing more than a mere Santa, who Christians have made up.
And no matter how youâ€™ve said He isnâ€™t listening or doesnâ€™t care.
No. Matter. What.
Open His Word and you will see. You will feel.
The living Word of the Bible is full of His love.
Yes, for you.
It is true. There’s death, destruction, and sin at every turn, but only so we know how to live. This is the same as how we would warn a child, whom we love so much, not to wander into the street.
We are His children, and oh, how we wander.
Search and See
Search the Bible, read with an open heart, and you’ll be hit with this inexplicable feeling. You’ll be given what Christians are taught, breathe in, and are left in awe of.
Not a teaching on death, destruction, and sin at every turn. Not teaching on how to be better than everyone else. Or hate those who don’t love God.
But something more: how to love.
God’s word is really our road map back to Him. How to get back, so he can lavish his love on us. On you. On me.
Though we don’t deserve it.
Oh, child. How He loves you.
1 John 4:7
Dear Friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.
The One Thing That Won’t Fit on Your To-Do List
Let’s take a different look at the to-do list.
It’s so weird, isn’t it?
How we call a “change of heart” something that refers to a sudden act.
Why did she end up going to the event?
She had a change of heart.
Why didn’t you choose to accept the position?
Change of heart.
Just like that.
One minute you think one way and then, with the snap of a finger, you’ve had this total heart change, and you’re thinking in a completely different way.
If only it were that simple.
As Christians we have come to know heart changes as some of the biggest transformations of our lives. And rightly so.
All God wants is our heart.
However, changing the way one’s heart feels changes our actions, our speech, our mental thought process.
This, unfortunately does not fit into the world’s description of a “change of heart.”
A Big Christian Struggle
One of the biggest struggles in Christianity is the waiting.
Oh, the waiting. Then the learning. Then the waiting some more.
Because God doesn’t work on our time clock or our will.
Thy will be done.
My Flesh Has a To-Do List
See, my flesh doesn’t like this so much.
I’m a planner. A checklist-er.
I have an end goal, and I either meet that end goal, or I will tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next week.
Whenever and however it happens, I know that it will all fit together. Nice and neat. Tied up in a little bow. Checked off my list with an immediate gratification.
Trust the Lord in all things——–
Trust the LORD
That’s a bit different. Let’s think: I know when I want it to happen: today, obviously. Okay, okay…maybe by the end of the week to give myself some grace. I do have a lot on my plate. Maybe I won’t get to all-out trusting by midnight tonight.
I know how I plan on making this happen: Bible study, prayer, accountability partner.
I set forth. Bible open. Journaling pens poised. Hands folded and head bowed.
I feel great about the work I’ve done during quiet time on day one. Maybe I’ll meet that midnight goal after all. God, thank You for working in my heart! I love you!
TwoÂ hours later, I’m at work, and I get a callÂ about making Hudson’s next ultrasound appointment. My heart drops but only for a second. That familiar feeling of “what if”.
I start thinking about the day I can take off that works with my schedule.
I think about how he’ll react to going NPO (not eating until the ultrasound is over).
My mind wanders over to how that first ultrasound looked when we confirmed our baby had cancer. What did it look like again? It’s hard to remember now three years out. Best to try to remember Â though, so I can watch the screen.
My heart flutters that familiar way it does every six months when I have to schedule the blood draw. The x-ray. Should I go for the x-ray? I hate the extra radiation exposure, but who am I to say I know more than Dr. Dole?
So much for that midnight deadline.
I take a deep breath. My heart settles. I lean on Him again.
My heart hasn’t changed! But I felt so great about my time with God this morning!
Why can’t I just check this off my list and move on? Even though I really want it with all my heart?
Because God’s not done working on me just yet.
He has lots of lessons. Lots of “Oh, I see…” moments just waiting for me.
To be perfectly honest, I both love and really really dislike this about walking the walk, friends.
I love it because I’ve been on the other side of a true heart change, and it’s huge.
Huger than huge.
It’s game-changing big and God reveals Himself in ways that knock me over.
I know what’s coming from Him is not just good but the absolute definition of awesome.
Not Me But Him
I don’t know when. I don’t know how. I don’t know what I’ll have to endure to learn the lessons He knows are best for me.
I don’t have control over this situation, and just like that the belief floats away in the breeze, and I’m left bare, raw, and insecure.
The only way to overcome this is calling on Jesus. My Savior. My Redeemer. My King.
And then I realize something.
Instead of rolling through the list of how this is so unfair, and can’t God just see I have good intentions? Â
Can’t He give me what I went for that morning during my quiet time with a pure desire to be better for His kingdom?
Can’t He just follow my timetable?
I realize that…simply put… it’s not about me.
And all about Him.
When I check off my to-do list, I’m the head of my life and my heart.
When I’m empty without Him and can do all things with Him, then and only then has He truly got my heart.
I Am Weak. He is Strong.
In my weakness He is strong.
So, no. The life-altering heart changes won’t fit on that to-do list of ours, but it’s okay.
It’s more than okay. It’s the way it’s supposed to be.
To draw us nearer to God in our inability to take on His role. To bring us clarity in only ways He can do. To forever change our earthly life so we can better serve His kingdom in our forever home.
It takes surrender. It takes love. And it takes us on the journey whether we like it or not.
To learn the ultimate lesson: only when we stop grasping for what’s in our short sightedness and pray for eyes to see His path can we be changed.
Every hour. Every minute. Every second. I need You.
Praise God, how I need You!