When I Thought I was Alive
Before March of 2008, I thought I was alive.
I was 25, engaged to my best friend, and looking forward to our life together with excitement.
Had friends, family, and a job I loved.
Had a home, I travelled, I had the means with which to live the life I sought after.
Thought I was alive.
Until I learned how to live.
Learning to Live
Freedom came to me when, as a visitor to my friendsâ€™ church, the pastor asked, â€œIf God were sitting with you right now, what would be the first thing you would say to him?â€
Though I counted myself a â€œgoodâ€ person, my answer was â€œIâ€™m sorry. I am so so sorry.â€
I was shocked to my core.
Sorry about what?
I challenged Satan challenged.
As I searched my heart for the answer, it became clear. I was indeed so very sorry.
In Need of a Savior
For thinking it was me who had it all under control.
Wanting control in the first place.
My mouth. Gossip. Disrespect.
My selfish life.
Knowing that I felt a stirring for God deep in my heart and doing nothing about it for four years.
Living in sin.
Being less than I knew I could be.
For all of it.
I was overcome by the feeling of all Iâ€™d done wrong.
I sat there, staring straight ahead at this man I didnâ€™t know, asking this question I didnâ€™t like the answer to, and I sobbed.
How could I ever make a life that was worthy of God?
He is far too grand. He is far too good.
How could he love a wretch like me?
But the next words out of the preacherâ€™s mouth were not about condemnation.
They were not saying I needed to wallow in this mess Iâ€™d made, but his direction was clear.
I had to ask for forgiveness. With my whole heart. Truly wanting to have my slate wiped clean.
So I Prayed
So I prayed.
When people share their experiences coming to know the Lord, it can feel a little weird to those reading it (Satanâ€™s move).
So, when you hear what happened next, know that this is not made up.
This not something Iâ€™ve put into writing for some sort of personal gain.
Itâ€™s the honest and complete truth.
I felt myself being forgiven.
Washed as white as snow.
A clean heart created in me by the One who gave His life, so I could be there in that room being saved and found.
To have grace pour down on me.
I canâ€™t really explain that feeling.
It was somewhat like how I felt when I got married seven months later, but not quite.
It was a little like how I felt when the nurse handed my babies to me, but not exactly.
Going forward, I didnâ€™t know what I was going to do or how I was going to do it exactly, but I did know two things:
- I was changed.
- I was alive.
Since then, I have learned that Christianity isnâ€™t for the weak or the proud, nor is it easy by any stretch of the imagination, but thatâ€™s a different story for a different time.
This story is of Godâ€™s grace.
His mercy that fell on me, wrapped up this sinner, and held me close.
Even though life has handed us some serious curve balls since that day, boy am I glad I havenâ€™t walked through it alone.
Going through this life with Jesus inside me and beside me is the only thing that got me through some of lifeâ€™s hardest moments.
What I thought was living almost 10 years ago was nothing like the alive I am today.
The alive Iâ€™ve been given.
The alive Iâ€™ll inherit one day.
Praise God for His grace and mercy.
I didnâ€™t deserve it, but You gave it anyway.
You gave it all so I could live.
And live I will.
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. (Eek. 36:26)